Sesshoumaru, the Sex God of the Western Lands?
by turtlequeen2
Summary: Do you believe that Sesshoumaru is the master of all lemons? The badass? Or the Lord of the Western Lands who lives in the castle in the sky? Join me in allowing the Inuyasha cast to explain why these claims aren't fitting of this man at all. *Parody*


**Disclaimer: **

Turtlequeen2: I have returned from the depths to provide you all with a new parody! I'm sure that Sesshoumaru fans will either hate this story or love it.

Sesshoumaru: Why would they hate this supposed tale of yours?

Turtlequeen2: -laughs nervously- Uh, you'll see!

Sesshoumaru: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Turtlequeen2: I have no clue! Please enjoy, everyone!

This is directed towards those who get annoyed at these sort of portrayals of Sesshoumaru as much as I do.

* * *

**Sesshoumaru, the Sex God of the Western Lands?**

Sesshoumaru, the aristocratic assassin; the killing perfection; the great and terrible daiyoukai; the only full-youkai son of the great Inu no Taishou; the only living relative of the hanyou, Inuyasha, was having a dilemma.

Gold eyes narrowed at the situation building up around him. He was surrounded by women; many of them human and many of them of other species. Rin and Jaken were nowhere to be found, and upon looking down at his side, he found that Toukijin and Tenseiga were gone. What did he do to deserve this?

"Make me yours, Sesshoumaru-sama!" a girl in the front suddenly cried, batting her eyelashes at him in a suggestive manner.

"…"

The daiyoukai was completely caught off guard by the woman's declaration.

"No, he'll be mine!" a blue-haired fox demon cried, her black, pupil-less eyes narrowing at her rival. "Sesshoumaru-sama wouldn't _dare_ settle down for a species of _your _level!"

"Just because I'm human doesn't mean that can't offer more than you!"

"…This coming from a human whore!"

Sesshoumaru stood there in silence, noticing that he was surrounded by these insane women and that there was no path of escape unless he made one of his own or decided to jump up. What these women were here for was becoming blatantly obvious and he was not planning to become part of their experimentation. He glanced up at the sky, only to find that a transparent magenta wall was there, reflecting off the scenery. _'A barrier, huh?' _he mentally noted.

As he continued to contemplate his best method of escape, the bickering between the women began to grow louder. His thoughts slowly transformed into the best method of murdering the annoying wenches and the bastard who locked them all inside of the holy barrier.

"Sesshoumaru-sama is amazing!" one girl exclaimed, getting the crowd to murmur in agreement.

"To think about all of the women he had satisfied over the centuries!"

As time went on, the fights faded into a Sesshoumaru-praise-fest. This proved to be disturbing to the daiyoukai as he had no real interest in any of them, nor did he even _know_ them. Flexing his claws, he prepared to make his own exit by turning the girls in front of him into ribbons of flesh.

However, before he could get anywhere fast, everyone within the barrier let out a gasp of surprise. A bright miko's arrow sailed overhead, skimming across the tip of the barrier, dissipating it like the pulling back of a curtain.

A path quickly opened up as the women turned to stare at the one who dared to break apart their ranks.

"Who the hell are you?!" a woman from the group demanded.

The miko in question kept a serious expression in place as she steadied another arrow into her bow. "Who did this?" she retaliated, not answering their question.

Sesshoumaru could not take much more of this. Shoving his way through the sea of estrogen, he made his way towards the miko's side, never before in his life being as grateful to see her as he was now. She had saved him precious time of killing despite knowing that he would have kill them if they kept pressing their luck. When he was standing in front of her, he questioned, "Where is my brother?"

The woman, Kagome, rolled her brown eyes. "You could at least thank me, ya know?" she shot back, half-knowing that he would never do such a thing.

The daiyoukai, as the miko predicted, ignored her complaining as he waited for her answer.

"Keh!" came the sudden snort of a familiar hanyou as he stepped into view with the rest of the group. "Caught in another one of those traps, eh, Sesshoumaru?" he taunted.

Sesshoumaru's golden stare narrowed, not wanting to think back to the other times similar things had happened to him. This was certainly the _first_ time a barrier was used. "I never said that I needed your help, Inuyasha," he growled, wishing that his weapons were with him.

"Well, maybe, next time, I won't!" the hanyou snapped grumpily. "It's not like I wanted to in the first place, you jackass!" Looking over at the swarming group of women, he added, "Maybe I should have let them pick you apart like buzzards!"

The older sibling's eyes flashed a fierce amount of coldness. "I would have simply killed them if you hadn't gotten involved."

Inuyasha would have replied, but an increasing silence consumed his words. Looking back at the women, his eye twitched. Apparently, they were not happy about the brothers' conversation.

"How could you say such cruel things, Sesshoumaru-sama?!" one girl cried, her blue stare wavering thanks to oncoming tears.

Others narrowed their heated eyes towards Inuyasha. "You don't understand what we're after, _hanyou_!" many lashed out, sounding as if Inuyasha had committed a terrible crime.

Knowing that a sensitive button was being pressed, Kagome sighed and placed her hand on Inuyasha's shoulder in order to calm him down in some fashion. "Inuyasha, you can't kill them. Most of them are humans."

Inuyasha shrugged her off, his anger easily on the rise. "Keh! Like I didn't know that, Kagome!" he scoffed in a sarcastic tone. "That doesn't mean I'm gonna let them get away with saying that though!"

Miroku, the monk, stepped forward, sighing. "How envious I am of you, Sesshoumaru-sama…" he murmured.

The taijiya standing next to him scowled. "Why would you be envious, houshi-sama?" she demanded, her jealously flaring like the flames of a fire.

"Eh…?" Miroku replied, looking over at the woman with evident fear in his violet eyes. "N-no reason! No reason at all, my dear Sango!"

"Humph!" she snorted, clutching the black strap of her Hiraikotsu tighter.

Sesshoumaru was too busy trying to fight off his ever-growing mood of irritation. Now, it seemed that he regretted seeing his brother's group around. They only served to make this situation even worse.

"What should we do?" Kagome suddenly pondered in a curious tone, noticing how Inuyasha began to shrink back from the glowers sent in his direction. "It's obvious that Sesshoumaru won't give in to their demands."

Miroku, knowing he was walking on thin ice with his wife-to-be, approached Inuyasha and Kagome. "Perhaps, we should explain to them why Sesshoumaru-sama isn't the type of man they believe him to be…?" he suggested in a sagely voice. "Of course, that is _if _Sesshoumaru-sama is willing to toss away his pride in the process…" All he knew was that if _he _held Sesshoumaru's "sexy" complex amongst legions of women, he would have been _very_ willing to make them continue to believe it.

Sesshoumaru heard the monk's proposition and sent an icy stare in his direction. "I'll do it," he stated. His pride would be more tarnished in the long run if he had to keep getting caught in these traps. Where were his swords, again?

Inuyasha, now distracted from the noisy crowd, looked at his brother. "There's a lot about him that girls don't get. I mean, I should know; I'm his brother!" he declared.

The daiyoukai's eyes narrowed but instead, directed his gaze towards Inuyasha. "Just because we're related by blood doesn't mean that you know everything there is to know about me," he scoffed, annoyed by the hanyou's words.

"No…" the younger sibling began thoughtfully before nailing an insulting comeback. "But I know enough to figure out that you always act like you have a stick up your ass!" Inuyasha clearly did not enjoy the fact that he had stay beside his brother.

Sesshoumaru flexed his claws, preparing to strike at the hanyou for insulting him yet again.

Kagome threw a glare at Inuyasha before glancing back at the daiyoukai. "Please calm down, Sesshoumaru! It's not going to help if you kill Inuyasha in front of these girls."

The inu-youkai cast a cold stare at the miko. "I'm not going to allow him to continue insulting me."

"You wouldn't win without your swords anyway!" Inuyasha scoffed, crossing his arms in his oversized haori sleeves.

Before the hanyou could get anymore words out, Sesshoumaru shot forward with his superior daiyoukai speed and gripped on the collar of his brother's haori, lifting the hanyou several centimeters off of the ground as if he were a small child. "Who says that I would even need my swords to kill you?" he snarled, his smoldering gaze twinkling with murderous intent.

"Let go of me, you bastard!" Inuyasha growled, struggling to get out of Sesshoumaru's grasp. He managed to clasp his hands around his brother's arm and dug his claws into the daiyoukai's flesh, but knew how futile it would eventually be when he saw Sesshoumaru not budging from his spot.

The others were prepared to assist Inuyasha even though they knew that he half-deserved a thrashing seeing that he provoked his brother in the first place. However, another event caused Sesshoumaru to immediately let go of the hanyou.

"Oh! Look at how gorgeous Sesshoumaru-sama is!" one of the many women screamed, obviously sounding as if she were fawning over him.

Miroku and Sango turned their attention towards the women, finding that all of them nodded in agreement with the screaming female.

"Sesshoumaru is such a strong youkai!" a lone panther-youkai declared in agreement.

"This is why we love him so much!" they shouted in unison.

Sesshoumaru's eye twitched ever so slightly as he heard their continued praise. What was so attractive about him attempting to kill his brother?

"Make us yours, Sesshoumaru-sama!" the throngs of women then continued, beginning to move towards the smaller group.

The daiyoukai, now too at odds to care about beating his brother, harshly dropped the hanyou to the ground. Even as Inuyasha got up and glared at his older sibling, Sesshoumaru continued to ignore him.

The monk stepped forward, holding his staff in front of him in order to get the women's attention. "Please, calm down, ladies!" he instructed in a soothing voice.

Luckily, the women managed to stop in their tracks and listened to the monk before throwing their glowers at him.

Miroku chose this time to look back at the rest of his allies in this situation. "Now would probably be the best time to begin explaining," he murmured, hinting towards what they should do next.

Kagome sighed and moved up beside the monk. "Okay," she began, staring directly at the females. "I don't know where you heard these rumors from, but they're absolutely false!"

"How would you know our claims?!" the sea of estrogen raged.

"I've heard you yell praises about him on more than one occasion," the miko calmly explained. She then sucked in a deep breath before continuing. "Firstly, I don't know where the _hell _you got the title 'Sex God' from or how you even associate it with him, but it's _completely_ unfounded! I mean, sure, he may look attractive to the average woman, but looks don't always equal great performance!"

Inuyasha noticed Sesshoumaru staring intensely at the back of Kagome's head and knew that the miko was in danger of her life. "Hey, Kagome! Is there any other way you could word it so that it _doesn't_ get everyone killed?!" he growled out sarcastically.

Kagome felt her cheeks heat up once she had realized the awful screw-up she had created. Wide-eyed, the miko turned around and immediately apologized to the daiyoukai before carefully rephrasing her words. "What I mean is… just because he is quick to pick up on new attacks and weapons doesn't mean that his intelligence carries over to everything else. Sure, he's a daiyoukai, but even _they_ have limitations. If he was perfect in every way, he wouldn't have been chasing after the Tessaiga for so long."

Sesshoumaru was still not completely satisfied with her explanation, but allowed it to slide for the time being.

A female kitsune stepped forward, her red eyes showing confusion. "But, we all heard about the great sessions he's had with all of the women across the Western Lands!" she blurted out.

"From who?" the miko demanded. She then shook her head and sighed, amazed at the stupidity of these people. "We're going to have to break the _fourth wall_ in order for these girls to understand," she announced to the rest of group standing behind her and Miroku.

" 'The fourth wall'?" the kitsune echoed with a raised eyebrow.

Kagome nodded her head. "What you've heard are in stories called _fan fictions_," she explained. "They are fictional pieces of work written by people who have nothing to do with the original series. In other words, your source that backs these crazy claims are from stories that are _other_ people's _perspectives _on how certain characters should or could behave. That doesn't mean that the characters always behave like that in the canon world!"

Sango stepped up beside her female friend and agreed with her. "Unless you are Rumiko Takahashi, you will never know how we would react in whatever situation you put us in. Just because Sesshoumaru-sama is a popular character doesn't mean he's an exception to this rule. It merely means that he's victimized more often than the others."

Miroku now took the time to speak up. "People also base fact and fiction on how _often _they see it in other people's work. Just because one specific theme is in fifty pieces of work, _doesn't _mean that such a theme is canon. That could just mean that people don't have original ideas or automatically assume that the work they saw it in was canon, starting another unending cycle of what we call _fanon_."

Inuyasha cringed, jumping into the conversation with his own immature input. "Do I even _want _to know about my brother's relations with women? No one even knows if he even had one in the _first _place!"

Sesshoumaru sent a sharp glare in his brother's direction at his last sentence.

The hanyou snorted. "What? I'm just stating the truth. Even if you _have _touched a woman in that manner, _no one _knows about it."

"And you suddenly know all about my life, Inuyasha?" the inu-youkai retorted. "If I recall, you're always stuck between an undead miko and her reincarnation. It's fairly obvious that you've never went very far with either."

Inuyasha's eye twitched at this sudden indictment, trying his hardest not to blush in front of everyone. "L-like you have any fuckin' place to talk, you dumbass!" he snarled with a finger pointing at his brother's face in an accusatory fashion. "The only woman you even show any _remote _attraction to is Naraku's incarnation, Kagura! And I don't even know if that's attraction in the first place! Since you always act like a stuck up asshole, no one really knows what your true intent is!" He then rolled his eyes. "People claim you're a women's magnet, huh?" the hanyou suddenly mocked. "Yeah right!" Thinking upon his words some more, he quickly added, "Oh, and fillers _don't_ count!"

It took all of Sesshoumaru's self-control—and the mental reminder that the women could possibly charge them again—not to lash out at his brother.

The women fell silent during the explanations and argument that followed before another human stepped up. Her chocolate-colored eyes blinked up at the daiyoukai. "So, does this mean that Sesshoumaru-sama _doesn't _have a castle in the Western Lands?"

The cold male let out a small scoff. "Where does everyone get this assumption from?" he remarked, finally tired of letting others speak for him.

"Well, look at your clothes! They're so regal! Not to mention that your father was so powerful!" the human woman insisted.

"In all of the times you've decided to help set traps for me, have I _ever _mentioned going back to the Western Lands? Why does everyone have a fascination with _me _owning _any _type of land?" Sesshoumaru half-snapped, growing annoyed.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes at the human. "Do you think _any _of us have extra time to conquer any type of property? Even though my brother is a daiyoukai, that doesn't mean that he's going around and conquering lands in his free time! Sure, we both want to surpass our father, but don't loop us in the same group as him! Sure, our father took over the Western Lands, but no one knows what that even means! Everyone just _assumes_ that he owned it in a humanistic kingdom type of manner."

Despite hating to agree with his brother, Sesshoumaru knew that Inuyasha was spot on. "My only concern is destroying Naraku at the moment. Even if I owned lands, my constant traveling would lead that area to be overtaken by youkai within days. If I'm not there to defend the land then why would I claim ownership of it?"

"But!" the girl protested. "It's said that the Western Lands were given to you by your father so you never had to conquer them! And when you're gone, you'd have your people and armies defend it. I mean, with your great power, who would dare stand against you?"

"Since when do so many people assume that I'm a leader of such a strong army that I've hidden from everyone in this series?" Sesshoumaru snorted. "So is this so-called 'castle' nestled in the heart of the Western Lands and I have hundreds of servants that cater to my every whim?"

"Yes! That's exactly it!" the human chirped while the other women nodded their heads behind her.

"If I had such a strong military, why would I waste my time traveling with _Jaken_? Wouldn't you think I'd bring along at least _one _solider to watch over Rin or maybe fight battles I find are too meaningless to get involved with?" the daiyoukai pointed out. "All you know for sure is that my father left my brother with Tessaiga and left me with Tenseiga. No amount of land was mentioned in this negotiation."

One voice from the back of the group of women shouted, "But isn't Jaken needed because he's the leader of all of the vassals you leave behind at the castle?!"

"That makes even _less _sense," Sesshoumaru argued. "If he were left to be in charge of hundreds of servants in order to maintain stability, why would I bother making him travel with me and Rin? Aside from that, why would I even permit Rin to travel with me if she could stay safe in a castle being protected by hundreds of servants aside from only me and Jaken?"

"Maybe it could be because you love her and care to have her never leave your side?" came a rather feeble point from the other side.

The daiyoukai paled slightly at that sentence. "I'm not going to even get into that topic. Besides, why would you all go after me if you assumed that me and Rin were in such a relationship?"

Inuyasha butted into the conversation once more. "Everyone knows that pairings, unless supported by the creator, are all made up by other people! Not to mention, that entire debate involving Rin and my brother has been covered a million times over already. We're not here to reiterate what others have said."

" 'Reiterate'?" the daiyoukai could not help but echo. A small, amused smirk crossed his otherwise cold face as he added, "I've never heard you use such _formal_ language…"

"Shut the hell up!" Inuyasha instantly snapped, his amber eyes glaring at his brother. "I know what you're implying!"

Kagome and the others resisted the urge to groan at the brothers. "Can we get back on topic, _please_?" the miko pleaded to both of the males, adding emphasis on the "please" as if she were asking for sweets.

"So… does this mean that you're like the hanyou's group?" the red-eyed kitsune asked, not caring that she had called Inuyasha the term he hated most. "You camp out in the woods?"

The daiyoukai would have shrugged if it were in his ability to do so. "I don't bother staying in human lodgings, but I do make what humans would term a 'camp.' Going back and forth between traveling and an imaginary castle would waste valuable time, wouldn't you think?"

"But won't you ever think about conquering lands once you kill your enemies?" another human woman questioned. It seemed that with each new question, the quieter the females became as a whole.

"Perhaps," Sesshoumaru murmured, deep in thought for a few moments. "However, Naraku is my main concern as of this moment. If I can manage to surpass my father by power alone, I don't see the need to express my rising power in any other fashion. Gaining power is _not_ for me to override other lands after Naraku is destroyed. It is for me to become more efficient in what I already do and to prove that I can surpass my father."

"Wow… I'm surprised that you admitted that out loud," Inuyasha responded, his expression showing genuine surprise.

"Me admitting why I wanted more power?" the older sibling remarked, gazing at his brother. "If I don't explain it now, they'll just twist my words around and assume that I _would _automatically go into conquering lands. Aside from that, I don't want my power gaining to be confused with that of Naraku."

"True…" the hanyou muttered, hating to know that his brother was right.

"So, is there anything else you would like to know about Sesshoumaru?" Kagome pondered, staring at the quiet crowd.

There was a quiet murmur that went through the crowd as the women began to disperse. They all seemed to heave sighs of disappointment, not pleased that the man they idolized for such a long time was really more normal than they would have liked to believe.

"Well, that's that," Miroku noted, beginning to relax in his stance.

Before Sesshoumaru could announce his departure from the Inuyasha-tachi, his younger brother started to speak.

"You know… I've been thinking about this for a while now…" Inuyasha said while deep in contemplation. He shot his older sibling a look of annoyance before continuing. "How is it that I, the _main _character, have _less _fans than my brother?! He's in nearly less than half of the chapters as I am!"

Sesshoumaru would have rolled his eyes if he were able to do so. "How should I know? It's probably because you're such a bland character?"

"Oh, and you're _not_?" Inuyasha snapped back. "You're fit the perfect formula of a typical wannabe badass who never takes sides and has a mysterious, but most likely, bad past."

"Then, perhaps, I'm simply made with better taste?" the older man supplied, choosing to ignore the obvious insult. "Besides, seeing _you_ in every chapter would be enough to make _me _want to skip ahead to another character."

"Keh!" came the snort. "How women like you, I'll _never _understand."

"Same with you, little brother," Sesshoumaru replied, turning his back on Inuyasha and preparing to leave the area.

"You wanna die, don't you?!" Inuyasha raged, pulling out Tessaiga and pointing the pulsing blade at Sesshoumaru's back.

The daiyoukai stopped in his tracks, but did not bother to turn around. "Attack me if you must, Inuyasha. We _both_ know how this will end."

"Yeah! You dying!" the younger brother growled, still not wanting to attack until Sesshoumaru turned around.

Kagome let loose an angry scowl, finally having it with the two's argument. "Inuyasha!" she hissed in a voice that made the hanyou's silver, doglike ears plaster themselves to his skill on impulse. "Osuwari!"

In an instant, Inuyasha saw the kotodama beads around his neck glow magenta before slamming him face first into the dirt. Due to the force of the hit, the hanyou's concentration broke on the sword, turning it back into its rusty form. As his body smacked to the ground, his grip of the sword never loosened, making his spread out form similar to a splatter of red paint on a green canvas. Once the enchantment spell lifted, he lifted himself up and glared at Kagome. "What the hell was that for?!" he demanded, despite knowing the obvious answer.

"You know what it was for!" she growled. "Why do you continue to antagonize him when you know what his response will be?!"

Sesshoumaru shook his head slightly and chose this time to walk away, hearing the couple's yelling die down as he got farther away from them. The others in the Inuyasha-tachi were too busy trying calm the two down to notice that the daiyoukai had already left.

Once the daiyoukai was alone, his thoughts traveled back down to his initial problem. _'Where are my swords?' _

Before he knew it, he heard the familiar squabble of his servant and the shouting of a certain little girl increase in volume. Spotting the jade-colored, toad-like youkai waving his two-headed staff around and trying not to trip over it as he ran, Sesshoumaru knew that he had arrived back at the camp he left Jaken to make.

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" both Jaken and the girl cried once they saw him.

"Rin, Jaken," Sesshoumaru acknowledged, his voice returning to its usual cold, emotionless tone.

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" the girl, Rin exclaimed for a second time, her brown-colored eyes glimmering with happiness at seeing her lord again. "Your swords!"

The daiyoukai's eyes narrowed slightly. "What of my weapons?" he demanded, glancing more in the direction of his servant and expecting Jaken's response.

"W-well, um…" the old youkai mumbled, feeling intimidated. "When you left, somehow, they were dropped by an invisible force… I couldn't figure out who was responsible for it!"

_'Speaking of which… who has been telling all of those women such ridiculous rumors?' _Sesshoumaru mentally pondered as he was led to where his fangs lay in the grass. _'Of course, the person wants me to get in all of these traps… The person would have to be easily manipulative…' _

After replacing the blades on his person, Sesshoumaru let out a growl as he suddenly realized the only being able to do such things. "_Naraku_…" Glancing back at Rin and Jaken, he then announced, "We're leaving."

"Right!" both shouted, following behind their master with their two-headed dragon-youkai in tow.

The daiyoukai kept his place at the front of his small group as he thought about the best method of torture for his enemy.

* * *

Meanwhile, the crimsoned-eyed hanyou everyone loved to hate sat in his study, grinning like a cunning Cheshire cat. "Kanna, that will be all," he murmured to the albino incarnation sitting in front of him with a mirror in her arms.

"Yes, Naraku," she whispered in a tone that contained no emotion. The mirror in her arms that reflected Sesshoumaru's image rippled back into her evil master's face, now falling dormant like a normal mirror would. Without saying any other words, she stood up and walked out of the room.

Now alone, Naraku let out a chuckle of amusement, clearly enjoying what he had seen. "It was to be expected," he hummed, referring to how the two brothers had gotten Sesshoumaru out of the situation. "Now, for my next step…"

After letting out another sinister laugh, he came up with a suggestion that was sure to make a certain heroic hanyou tense up wherever he was.

"I believe it's time for me to tell my _new_ audience about Inuyasha's 'ability to talk to his demon self' and his 'easier than normal ability to fall in love with Mary-Sues…' "

-_Owari_-

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it! Yes, I'm aware that everyone has probably written Sesshoumaru like this at one time or another (I have, too). However, please be aware that I'm talking about the people who _think _that these things are _canon _facts. If everyone wrote Sesshoumaru like these listed personas in their fan fiction and _knew _that it was _not _canon, then I wouldn't be as annoyed as I am about these issues.

If enough people like this fic and express their support, I may make that Inuyasha sequel…

Please review!

Ja ne!


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